


It's Filled Up My Eyes But I Still See

by Chash



Series: Holiday Fills 2018 [14]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-14
Updated: 2018-12-14
Packaged: 2019-09-17 21:46:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16982385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chash/pseuds/Chash
Summary: Clarke really is relieved to hear that she's--almost--cleared to return to work after her coma. It's been nice to have a few months off, to say nothing of the months when she was a weird semi-ghost in her own apartment. But she's a little worried about the cat, and Bellamy's a little worried about her career choices.So she's go some stuff to figure out.





	It's Filled Up My Eyes But I Still See

**Author's Note:**

> Fill for [dforgettba](http://dforgettba.tumblr.com/)!

Clarke got a cat without actually particularly liking cats.

Which is not to say she _disliked_ cats or anything; she was neutral to positive on the general concept. But most of her friends growing up had dogs, so she was more familiar with them. 

And so she also knew that dogs couldn't really be left alone while she was at work. A cat, she found over the course of internet research, would miss her, but would also be fairly self-sufficient. She could buy it toys and give it treats and have some company after she and Lexa broke up.

It might not have been the best or most responsible reason to get a pet, and she's not convinced she's a particularly good cat owner, but up until she falls into a coma, she thinks she's doing okay with it.

The coma isn't great, obviously, but it's not like that's her fault. She was a better cat owner than a lot of people would have been, in fact. She keeps on taking care of Alanna despite being unconscious in a hospital across town. That's next-level pet care. And, as a bonus, Bellamy shows up, which means the family gets bigger and there are actually _more_ people to take care of the cat. Especially since Clarke spends a few months on medical leave from work. She gets to spend a _ton_ of time with Alanna, reading and relaxing in a way she's not sure she's done since she was a kid, before summer jobs and internships. She has every excuse to not be doing anything but it's still a tough adjustment. Idleness is new, and it's not like she was in a _real_ coma. The cat is a nice thing to focus on.

And so it's a relief when the hospital tells her she's clear to come back to work in a month, pending the approval of both a doctor and a psychiatrist, but she also can't help fretting a little. About the cat.

Bellamy glances over his shoulder, frowning. He's working on dinner, which makes this maybe the wrong time to bring this up, but she's been thinking about it all day. He can cook and reassure her at the same time. He's multi-talented like that.

"What about the cat?"

Clarke scratches Alanna behind her ears. "She's gotten really used to having me around, but now she's going to go back to being alone most of the time. I think that might be hard for her."

"For her," he repeats, sounding dubious.

"Maybe we could get another cat. If we could find one we thought would be a good fit for her."

Bellamy is quiet for a minute, chopping something, and then he finally says, "Honestly, I thought you might be done with cats."

"What do you mean?"

"I figured _my cat could see me when I was a coma ghost_ could go two ways." He dumps whatever he was chopping into whatever it goes into--cooking is largely a mystery to Clarke--and comes to sit with her. His intention was probably to pet Alanna too, but the noise and movement are enough to make her bolt. He smiles. "Either you're happy the cat can see you and you're a cat person for life, or you're freaked out and don't want a cat around possibly looking at ghosts you can't see."

"Which one are you?"

"The first, obviously. If Alanna hadn't reacted to you I probably would have just thought I was losing it entirely. And if there are ghosts around, maybe she'll tell us. But I thought it might be weirder for you."

"We don't need to turn my coma into a competition," she teases. "It was weird for both of us. And yeah, Alanna helped. She still wanted to hang out with me. So I don't want her to be--I want to make sure she's happy."

"I'm not sure having friends always makes cats happy. My ex-girlfriend's cats hated each other."

Alanna jumps back up between them, butting her head against Bellamy's arm. She seems happy, most of the time, but Clarke knows she gets lonely too, and probably bored. Ghosts don't seem to be enough stimulation, and that's if she can even see others. Maybe Clarke was the only one, anyway.

"I just feel like I should be doing more for her."

A timer goes off, and Bellamy returns to the stove. "Another cat is one option.  
And I'm not against it. But--"

"But?"

"But I think you're deflecting."

She makes a face. "Deflecting?"

"You're going to have to stop just repeating everything I say soon," he teases. "I know you've been waiting to get back to work, but do you actually _want_ to go back to work?"

"Obviously."

"Yeah, that's what I'm saying." He's quiet for a few minutes, but he's also finishing off dinner, so she tries not to let it bother her. Once he brings the plates over and settles next to her on the couch with his wine, he picks it up. "You've been so focused on how you need to go back to work and get back to normal, I don't think you've thought about whether or not going back to normal is a good idea."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning when I met you, you didn't know you were in a coma because you were already exhausted and overworked all the time."

"That wasn't the only reason," she protests. "There was a lot going on, it was--it fucked with my head."

"I know. But I still feel like--" He huffs. "Do you like your job? Do you want to go back?"

" _Your job is stressful and exhausting_ is pretty rich coming from you."

It's not really an answer, but Bellamy doesn't call her out on that. "And I might get burned out on it someday. I've thought about leaving. Especially during APs."

"You think I should quit my job," she says, her voice sounding hollow to her own ears. It's less the idea itself and more that it's coming from Bellamy, that he's apparently been sitting on this for a while. "Were you going to tell me this?"

"I was trying to figure out how. I know this maybe wasn't the right way, but--every time you told me you couldn't go back to work, I felt like you were okay with it but thought you shouldn't be. And that's even taking into account how bored you've been with nothing to do."

"It's kind of a nice vacation," she admits. "But I could be working."

"Just because you could be working doesn't mean you have to be working in the ER. You've got options."

"So you think instead of getting a second cat, I should quit my job?"

"You were in a coma," he says, like this relates somehow. "It's a good time to think about your life and what you're doing. I know you want to get back to normal as soon as possible, but some things have changed for the better, right?" 

She smiles. "Don't go fishing for compliments."

"I'm just saying, you have a month before you can go back. It's worth thinking about whether or not you really want that, or if there's something else you'd rather do."

"So you don't want another cat."

"I want you to have enough time to spend with all the cats we're going to get," he says, leaning over for a quick kiss. "Just think about it, okay?"

"When were you going to tell me this?"

"Soon. I was trying to figure out how. And I was waiting to see how you seemed when the ER invited you back." He sighs. "It's not like--I know your job is important. But just because it's important, it doesn't mean you have to do it. And I don't want it to make you miserable."

"You've never actually seen me working."

"I know."

"I've never thought about leaving," she admits. 

"I know." He reaches over to give her hand a quick squeeze. "You could start thinking about it."

"Yeah, I guess I could."

*

Clarke has wanted to be a doctor since before she knew much about being a doctor. She knew her mother was a doctor and saved people's lives, so of course she wanted to do that too. As she got older, she came to understand that being a doctor was one of the good careers, one that she was supposed to have. If school was a contest, then med school was the final round and becoming a doctor was winning, the kind of thing you _should_ do if you could. And Clarke could do it.

Then again, she got a cat because she was worried if she didn't she wouldn't come home, and there were some days Alanna was the only reason she did. Now that she has a serious boyfriend who worries about her, it probably won't be as bad, but--it really _was_ bad, before. And it doesn't really feel like winning. It feels like--a life. Sometimes, she's a hero who saves people, and sometimes she's a villain who can't save someone, but either way, she's the same person, doing her best and not always succeeding.

"I don't know what I'd do if I wasn't a doctor," she tells Bellamy as they're lying in bed that night.

He rolls over to pull her in, breath ruffling her hair. "You never wanted to be anything else?"

"Not as a career."

"Meaning what?"

"I like art, but I don't want to be an _artist_. I don't want to try to make a living off of it." She snuggles closer. "How did you know you wanted to be a teacher?"

"It took a while. When I was in high school, I wanted to go to trade school. I did all these google searches on what job I could get that would pay me the most for the least education."

"So what happened?"

"My mom died, the state tracked down my sister's dad and he was actually a good guy who wanted to take both of us, and I could afford to go to college with scholarships and financial aid. I always liked school, and when I started doing student teaching, I loved it. After a few years, I'd probably like to get into more administrative stuff, try to get some policies changed and work on educational reform, but for now, I'm good with teaching. You got into medicine because of your mom, right?"

"Yeah. And it was just--what made sense, I guess? I was good at biology and anatomy and all that, and I can keep calm in a crisis. Blood doesn't freak me out. It's a good fit."

"Why ER?"

"Because I could handle it. Not everyone can, so if I can, I should, right?"

"Maybe."

"I really could do anything," she admits, soft. "Like--my mom wouldn't let me starve if I never worked again. But I never felt like that. If I wasn't a doctor or a lawyer or whatever, I was a failure."

"Can't relate," he teases. But he kisses her hair. "You're not a failure. No matter what. But you were in a coma. It's a good excuse to rethink your life and where you want to be."

"You just don't want me to be gone all the time."

"I don't," he says, without any trace of shame. "But I'd get used to it. We could make it work. I'm not telling you to quit your job just because I want to spend more time with you, trust me."

"I know."

"We could go look at cats on Saturday," he says. "I have some time."

She has to smile. "We're still getting another cat?"

"I still like cats," he says. "And Alanna could use a friend no matter what happens, right?"

"Depending on how she feels about friends."

"Yeah." There's a pause, and then he gives her a quick squeeze. "Sorry if I overstepped with--it's your life, I'm just trying to help. If you want to go back to the hospital, you should go."

"But if I'm just on autopilot--"

"It's worth looking at where you're going, yeah."

She closes her eyes. "Thanks for telling me you think my life sucks."

"Any time."

*

Clarke knows one thing for sure: there's no way she can _not_ have a job. Even if she could afford to do nothing, the boredom would get to her. She was on required medical leave and recovering from a major accident and she still couldn't shake the feeling of uselessness. 

She never got good at sitting still.

"Do you think I've changed since my coma?" she asks Raven the next day. Raven works close enough to her place that they can meet up on her lunch break, which is a good way to make sure she gets out of the condo every day.

"Yeah. But not in a bad way. Or, like--not worrying."

"How?"

"You're less stressed, for one thing. You definitely needed a break. Getting laid regularly is helping your mood. Maybe you learned life is precious or something, I don't know, but you seem happier."

"So, good changes," she says, smiling.

"Hey, you know I love you, but I've seen more of you since your coma since I saw in like the three years before your coma. And I get why, but it's still nice."

"Yeah." She takes a drink of her iced coffee. "Bellamy thinks I should quit my job."

"Is he giving you an ultimatum, like it's him or the job? Because that's bullshit."

"No, no, nothing like that. He just thinks I might be happier not working at the ER. That I'm so desperate to get back to normal I'm not thinking about whether or not normal is good."

"Then, yeah, I still like him and I agree with him."

"Thanks."

She shrugs. "I call it like I see it. I remember you in college, you were all--here's my ten-step life plan. And I always kind of wondered what you were going to do when all the steps were done."

"New plan."

Raven ignores that. "There's nothing wrong with having a to-do list, but at least some of it should be stuff you want to do. No offense, but you're like that lady at the start of every shitty made-for-TV movie who needs to find out there's more to life than work."

"What if I like work?"

"Do you? Because if you do, that's a whole different conversation. I work all the time, but I love my job. It's awesome. I put in too many hours because I lose track of time, and when I go home, I'm happy. Is that how you feel?"

It's strange looking back past the coma, this period of her life that feels like it's wrapped in gauze. She remembers it, but it's _different_ , crisp when she's with Bellamy and vague otherwise, as if she was sleepwalking. 

But the truth is, there are plenty of days like that before the coma too. Work is sharp, but almost too sharp, too much for her. All the things that stick with her are bad or painful. And her days outside of work were just--there. Dull and fairly monotonous, with spikes of interest when she was dating someone, or when something notable happened.

She wasn't unhappy, but she wasn't happy, either. She wasn't fulfilled. And she thinks she could be.

"I don't hate it, but I could maybe do better. It feels kind of stupid, though."

Raven shrugs. "I'm pretty sure if you quit and tried another career, you could go back to being a doctor if you had to. You've still got years of experience and success. Plus, you were in a coma. That's like the best excuse ever for totally reinventing yourself, if anyone asks why you left medicine and then came back."

"That's what Bellamy said too," she says, smiling. "Nothing like a coma to make you reassess your life."

"He seems really good for you," Raven offers. "Honestly, I was pretty worried about that when you told me. Finding a new boyfriend that soon after the accident? I thought you were just doing some weird rebound thing. But you guys are great together."

"Yeah, he's--amazing, honestly. It was kind of weird circumstances, but--" She shrugs. "Whatever works, right?"

"Exactly. So, any ideas on what you want to do other than being a doctor?"

"Nothing concrete. I think maybe non-profits? I like feeling like I'm doing good. So charity or something. Maybe LGBT or reproductive rights?"

"Yeah, that could be a good fit for you. You sound kind of excited about it."

"I am, kind of."

Raven lifts her water glass. "Kind of cheers, then."

Clarke clinks her iced coffee against it. "Cheers."

*

Bellamy's not there when she gets home, which makes it the perfect time to call her mother. 

Clarke and her mother have always been a little rocky, the kind of family members who do better with a little distance between them. When they're together for more than a day or two, they inevitably butt heads, but it's always nice to see her at first. And Clarke knows exactly how hard her accident had been on Abby, and how much harder her independence after made it. Abby was terrified, and Clarke understands, but she couldn't have the kind of recovery her mother wanted her to have. Not when she didn't have the kind of coma she was supposed to.

It's hard to imagine that quitting her job will help with all their awkwardness, but maybe asking for advice will ease the sting some. She could use parental guidance.

Abby picks up immediately. "Clarke! I wan't expecting a call."

"I know. Are you busy?"

"No, not too busy. I have a meeting in about forty minutes, though."

"That should be fine. I just wanted to talk."

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah. The hospital says that I can do my evaluation to come back in a few weeks."

"That's great! I know you've been looking forward to getting back to work."

"I have. But--I'm wondering if the hospital is really the right place for me."

"It's a great hospital," Abby says, instantly. "The best ER in the city. Where were you thinking of going?"

"Out of medicine. Not to be a cliche, but--life might be too short."

She was expecting the long pause, and Abby doesn't disappoint. Clarke puts her attention on Alanna on her lap, scratching under her chin the way she loves.

"Where would you go from medicine?" Abby finally asks.

"I haven't decided yet. I was thinking about looking into local non-profits that do work with kids or reproductive health? I haven't done a lot of reseafch yet."

"And what does Bellamy think of this?" 

Clarke smothers her smile, even though no one's around to see it. Abby knows she has no reason to dislike Bellamy, but Clarke thinks there's a small, probably subconscious part of her that blames Bellamy for Clarke not needing her more after the accident. And it's not as if she's _wrong_ , but she doesn't know how right she is and, more than that, she _does_ know how shitty it is to be resentful of her daughter's boyfriend for being good to her.

"He thinks it would be a good for me," says Clarke. "He was worried that I was trying so hard to get things back to normal that I wasn't thinking about whether or not normal was what I wanted."

"And he thinks it's not?"

"Can we not make this about Bellamy? I've been thinking about it and I want to consider my options. He's not holding me at gunpoint telling me to leave my job."

"I know that. It's just--it's hard for me. I'm glad you're happy, but--sometimes I worry you're changing too much, too quickly. I don't want you to get in over your head. A new boyfriend living with you, a new job--it's a lot to process in just a few months. I'm sure it feels like a new lease on life to you, but it feels a little like a breakdown to me."

"I know. I don't think it is, but if it turns out I'm ruining my life, you can tell me you told me so."

"How comforting," she says, but it's warm and teasing. "I am happy for you, I hope you know that. I just can't stop worrying."

"I know, I got that from you."

"You did, and I'm sorry. Is Bellamy doing well? How's school?"

They keep on chatting for a while, long enough to move out of the choppy waters of her life choices and into safer territory. That's how it usually is with Abby, start with the difficult stuff, move into pleasantries, and by the next time they talk, she will have processed whatever choices Clarke's made and learned to live with them.

"Keep me posted about the job search," she says, before they hang up. "I still have a lot of contacts there, so I might have an in."

"Thanks, I will."

"Say hi to Bellamy for me, tell him I hope he gets things resolved with the administration."

"He always does, eventually. Give Marcus my love."

"I will."

She's still on the couch with her eyes closed and the cat in her lap when Bellamy gets home, just letting herself be for a while, the simplest kind of luxury.

He sits next to her once he's done somehow not startling the cat. "Hey, everything okay?"

"I told my mom I don't think I'm going back to the hospital. And Raven."

"And?"

"They're both happy for me."

"Good. Are you happy for you?"

"I am. I can always go back if I miss it, right? I've got options."

"You do."

"I still want to go look at cats on Saturday," she adds. "I think we could use another cat."

"I can live with that."

*

Clarke thought about getting two cats right from the start, but she'd talked herself out of it quick. She had no idea if she could take care of one cat, let alone two cats, and it felt safer to start small, with potential for growth at a later date.

But she's doing well with Alanna, and she's got Bellamy now, and they can definitely, between the two of them, handle two cats. And when she adopted Alanna, the shelter said she was good with other cats, so that's probably still true. As true as it's ever been, anyway. 

If she's miserable, they'll deal with it. But Clarke's in the mood to try to hope for the best. Especially if it involves her getting to meet a lot of cats.

They go to the same shelter she went to for Alanna a couple years back, although she's not expecting them to remember her. The girl at the desk asks about their history and Clarke explains that they currently have one rescue cat from this shelter and think that she'd appreciate having some company. 

"She's pretty laid back," Bellamy says. "I think another low-energy cat would be good, maybe an older one?"

Clarke elbows him. "Were you doing research?"

"Just a little."

"Let me see if I can find your file," says the girl. "See if there's anything in there that would help me with suggestions. You can go on in and take a look around, though."

"Remember, we can just take one," Clarke murmurs to Bellamy as they head back to the cages.

He rolls his eyes. "I know."

"They're all going to be homeless and needy."

"What if there are kittens?"

"You said we need an older cat. Be strong."

He laughs. "I promise I won't get carried away with--shit."

Clarke gives his hand a squeeze, looking out over the rows of cages. It _is_ a lot to take in, and Bellamy's kind of a softie. Him getting attached really is a possibility.

"So, older cats, I think female?" she reminds them both. "Mellow and good with other cats. Stay focused."

"Maybe we could both quit our jobs and just buy a house full of cats. Like at the end of _101 Dalmatians_ , but with rescue cats."

"Let's see how we do with two before we start buying property." She shakes her head, watching as he starts examining the labels. "I really thought you didn't want another cat."

"I can want a cat and want you to quit your job at the same time. And I'm still worried Alanna's not going to be happy with a friend, but it turns out I really like cats."

"Me too."

"Are there rules about how many we can have? Like, in the condo."

"I think three."

"So we don't have to move to a bigger place right away." He sticks his finger into one of the cages, letting the cat inside pet itself on him. "But for now, new job, new cat, and we'll see how it turns out."

"Yeah," says Clarke, leaning into him. "Let's go from there."


End file.
